Leadership Principles:Give Up Control to Gain Authority

 A common concern I hear from parents is, “I’ve lost control of my child.”

Sometimes they’re talking about a five-year-old who has daily tantrums. Sometimes it’s a ten-year-old who refuses to do homework. Sometimes it’s a teenager who swears at their parents or ignores every household expectation. Whatever the situation, the question is usually the same:

How do I make my child do what I know is best?

It’s an understandable question. As parents, we often do know what is best. We want our children to go to school, complete their responsibilities, treat others respectfully, and make healthy decisions. The problem is that, despite our best efforts, we eventually discover something frustrating:

We can’t truly control another person.

When children are very young, it may feel as though we can. We can pick them up, buckle them into a car seat, or carry them out of a store. But that period is remarkably brief. As children grow, they become stronger, smarter, and increasingly independent. The strategies that once worked begin to lose their effectiveness.

Many parents respond by trying harder.

They reward. They punish. They threaten. They negotiate. They plead. They lecture. They promise rewards for good behavior and consequences for poor choices. Sometimes these approaches produce short-term compliance, but they rarely create the kind of lasting influence parents are actually seeking.

The reason is simple.  Nobody likes being controlled.  Children are no different.

One of the most important leadership principles I have learned is this:

Give up control to gain authority.

Control and authority are not the same thing.

Control comes from power. When children are young, parents naturally have more of it. We are bigger, stronger, more experienced, and completely responsible for their safety. But that kind of power steadily declines. Every year our children become a little more capable of making their own decisions, and that is exactly what we hope will happen. The goal of parenting is to raise adults, not permanent children.

Authority is different.

Authority is influence that another person grants voluntarily. It is built on respect rather than force. A child with respect for a parent is far more likely to consider that parent’s advice, not because they have to, but because they believe that parent is wise, trustworthy, and genuinely acting in their best interest.

Think about the people you respect most in your own life. They probably don’t control you. They don’t need to. Their opinions matter because you value their judgment. Good parents eventually develop that same kind of influence.

Authority cannot be demanded, it has to be earned.

So how do parents earn it?

They show up consistently. They practice what they preach. They apologize when they’re wrong. They keep their promises. They remain calm during difficult moments. They model the values they hope to see in their children. They step in when safety or the well-being of the family requires it, but they avoid turning every disagreement into a battle for control.

Children notice all of these things.

Even when they argue, even when they roll their eyes, even when they insist they aren’t listening.

Parents sometimes worry that if they stop trying to control every decision, they’ll become passive or permissive. The opposite is true. Good leaders do not avoid difficult decisions. They intervene when they need to. They protect the people in their care. They establish healthy boundaries. But they understand that leadership is not measured by how many battles they win. It is measured by the respect they earn over years of consistent behavior.

In what may at first glance seem ironic, the parents with the greatest long-term influence are often those who rely least on control.

By adulthood, every parent loses the ability to make their child do much of anything. Yet some parents continue to have tremendous influence over their adult children. Their children call them for advice. They value their opinions. They trust their judgment.

That influence isn’t the result of years of winning control battles, it’s the result of years spent earning authority.



Control is temporary.  Authority lasts.