Leadership Principles: Encourage Group Members to Take Responsibility

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Part of becoming an adult is learning to take responsibility: taking care of yourself, making decisions, owning mistakes, and gradually taking charge of your own life.

As parents, one of our jobs is to transfer that responsibility to our children. The key is to start earlier than we often think.

Of course, responsibility has to be developmentally appropriate. You probably don’t want your four-year-old using a skill saw. But in my work with children and families, I see the opposite problem far more often: parents continuing to do things for children long after the children are capable of doing those things themselves. 

Treat Them Older, Not Younger

I have a general rule for parenting: when in doubt, treat your child a little older rather than a little younger.

Parents sometimes say in frustration, “If you’re going to act like a child, I’m going to treat you like a child.”

I think that’s exactly backwards.

If you want your child eventually to act like an adult, start treating them more like one. Expect more from them. Give them opportunities to stretch themselves. Let them try things they haven’t completely mastered yet.  They will sometimes push back. They will sometimes be anxious. And they will certainly make mistakes.  That’s part of growing up.

Children are remarkably resourceful. By giving them increasing responsibility, we’re giving them opportunities to discover what they’re capable of doing. 

Don’t Do for Kids What They Can Do for Themselves

Some responsibilities are straightforward practical skills.

Children can gradually learn to do their own laundry, cook simple food, manage money, clean up after themselves, get themselves ready for bed, brush their teeth, and take care of their belongings.  Sometimes it’s considerably easier for a parent simply to do these things. I’ve certainly been guilty of that myself.

But doing something for a child because it’s easier isn’t necessarily doing the child a favor.

Some of these responsibilities involve learning a skill. Others are mostly about developing habits. Either way, the goal is gradually to transfer ownership from the parent to the child.  Ideally, children learn these things while they still live with us—when mistakes are relatively inexpensive and we’re available to help. 

Responsibility Also Means Owning Your Behavior

Responsibility isn’t just about laundry and bedtime.

Children also need to learn to own their actions and decisions.  They will lose their tempers. They’ll say something mean. They’ll neglect homework. They’ll break things. They’ll make bad decisions.

So will adults.

One of the most valuable skills we can teach children is the ability to say, in effect: “I did that. It was a mistake. I own it.”

An important part of this is learning to apologize.

That’s difficult for many children—and plenty of adults. But being able to acknowledge a mistake and apologize for it is enormously valuable in relationships.

As with most things we want our children to learn, our own behavior matters. If we expect children to acknowledge mistakes and apologize, they need to see us doing the same thing. 

An Explanation Isn’t Necessarily an Excuse

One place parents can inadvertently interfere with responsibility is by explaining away a child’s behavior.

A child may struggle to control behavior because of ADHD. Depression may contribute to irritability. Age and development clearly affect judgment.  Those things matter. They should affect how we understand a child’s behavior and sometimes how much latitude we give them.

But there is an important distinction between a factor and a blanket excuse.

A diagnosis doesn’t mean a child has no ability to manage their behavior. Sometimes a child’s capacity really is overwhelmed. But children are often capable of more self-management than adults give them credit for.  If every mistake is attributed to ADHD, depression, age, or an incompletely developed brain, children can eventually learn to make the same explanations themselves.

Our goal isn’t to ignore genuine limitations. It’s to acknowledge them while continuing to expect growth. 

Expect Success. Be Prepared for Failure.

I once heard a useful way of thinking about giving children new responsibilities.

How often should you expect your child to succeed? Always.

How often should you be prepared for your child to fail? Always.

That’s a good stance for parents.

Give children responsibilities with the expectation that they can handle them. At the same time, recognize that stretching beyond what you’ve already mastered inevitably produces mistakes.  Failure doesn’t necessarily mean we transferred responsibility too soon. Sometimes failure is how the child learns to handle the responsibility.

Our job isn’t to engineer a childhood without mistakes. It’s to provide enough support that children can make mistakes, learn from them, and keep moving forward. 

Responsibility Buys Freedom

Children don’t always welcome increasing responsibility. Responsibility is work. It’s uncomfortable. Having someone else take care of things for you can be pretty appealing.

But there’s another side to growing up that children sometimes forget:

With increased responsibility comes increased freedom.

The child who can manage more independently can be trusted with more independence. They can go more places, make more decisions, take more risks, and eventually build a life of their own.

You can see both sides of this particularly clearly as teenagers approach adulthood. Going to college, starting work, or leaving home brings an enormous increase in responsibility. That can be frightening.

But it also brings an enormous increase in freedom.



Growing up is that tradeoff. We take responsibility for more of our lives, and in return, more of our lives become ours to direct.

The best preparation for that transition doesn’t begin at 18.  It begins in childhood, with parents gradually handing responsibility over.