Leadership Principles: Show Up
If I had to choose the single most important ingredient of parenting, it would be this: show up.
If I had to choose the single most important ingredient of parenting, it would be this: show up.
Parents often ask me what they should do when their child is anxious, refusing school, failing classes, using substances, or making poor decisions. While these situations differ in important ways, they all rest upon a more fundamental question. What is the most important thing a parent can do to help a child become a healthy, capable, independent adult?
My answer is surprisingly simple. Be there.
One of the most damaging experiences a child can have is growing up without reliable parental figures. When children lack adults who are consistently present in their lives, they lose more than practical support. They lose opportunities to learn trust, attachment, communication, and healthy relationships. They often struggle to develop a sense of safety and belonging. The effects can follow them throughout childhood and well into adulthood.
Human beings are remarkably resilient, and children can thrive in many different family structures. The critical factor is not whether a family looks a certain way from the outside. It is whether there are adults who remain invested in the child. Children need people who are available, who care, and who continue to show up when things become difficult.
This may sound obvious, but I spend a great deal of time working with children who have not had that experience. Some have absent parents. Others have parents whose own mental health struggles, substance use, or life circumstances make it difficult for them to be emotionally available. Many of these children eventually find role models elsewhere, but not always in healthy places. Children are wired to attach to people. If positive role models are unavailable, they will often settle for whatever alternatives they can find.
Showing up does not mean being perfect. Every parent makes mistakes. Every parent loses patience, says the wrong thing, or handles situations in ways they later regret. Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who remain engaged. They need adults who continue to come back to the relationship, even after conflict, disappointment, or failure.
This principle becomes especially important when children struggle. It is easy to support a child who is doing well. It is much harder when a teenager is making destructive decisions or an adult child is repeatedly refusing help. Parents sometimes find themselves facing painful choices. An adult child may no longer be able to live at home. Boundaries may need to be set.
Many parents worry that setting these limits means abandoning their child. It does not. There is a difference between refusing to enable unhealthy behavior and giving up on someone. In fact, some of the healthiest boundaries parents set arise from a desire to protect the larger family while still maintaining love and concern for the struggling child.
One of the sub-principles beneath “Show Up” is “Never Give Up on Any Group Member.” In parenting terms, that means never giving up on your child. It does not mean approving of every choice or rescuing them from every consequence. It means remaining available. It means leaving room for reconciliation, growth, and change. It means recognizing that people often take winding paths toward maturity and health.
If I think about the parents who have had the greatest positive impact on their children, they have varied tremendously in personality, style, and philosophy. Some were strict. Some were laid back. Some were highly structured. Others were more flexible. The common thread was not a particular parenting technique. The common thread was that they were there. Their children knew they could count on them when life became difficult.
Parenting is full of complicated decisions, but this principle is not complicated. Before we worry about consequences, privileges, grades, anxiety, motivation, or any of the countless challenges that arise in family life, we should ask a simpler question. Am I showing up for my child?
If the answer is yes, you are already doing the most important thing a parent can do.
