The Goal of Parenting

The lawyer Clarence Darrow once said: “The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.”

I’ve always liked that quote. Partly because it’s funny, but also because there’s truth in it. Much of my professional life has involved sitting with teenagers and their parents trying to make life a little more tolerable for both of them. I’ve done that work for about twenty years now. I’ve learned even more from being a parent myself.

One thing parenting teaches very quickly is humility. It also teaches the importance of perspective and a sense of humor. Parenting (done right) is the hardest thing most people will ever do, and much of the conflict between parents and children comes from the fact that the aim of the job itself is easily forgotten .

Parents spend enormous amounts of time wondering:

• how protective they should be
• how strict they should be
• how emotionally available they should be
• how much freedom they should allow

But fewer stop to ask a more basic question: What exactly is the goal?

The best answer I’ve heard came from my own father, who was also a psychiatrist.

He used to say: “The role of the parent is to become obsolete.”

In other words, the job is to raise a child who eventually no longer needs you. The goal is their independence.  That may sound obvious, but much of parenting becomes clearer once viewed through that lens.

Children are engaged in a gradual process of separating from their parents and becoming independent human beings. Psychologically, this process is often referred to as individuation. It begins very early and continues throughout adolescence and early adulthood. And it is inherently difficult for both parties.

Children push for greater independence. Parents worry that independence is arriving too quickly. Much of the tension between parents and children is really a disagreement about rate. Some children, by temperament, are naturally bold and independent. Others are cautious, anxious, and slower to separate. Parents vary as well. Some are comfortable allowing risk and autonomy. Others are far more protective and supervisory.

Neither side is entirely wrong. Good parenting requires a balance.

One important principle is: Maximum support with minimum interference.

Support should be abundant: love, encouragement, emotional availability, support, and protection from serious harm. 

But support is not the same thing as constant intervention. Children need room to explore, make mistakes, develop confidence, and learn through trial and error.

A parent who interferes too much, even with good intentions, can unintentionally communicate: “You are not capable of handling this yourself.”

At the same time, good parenting also requires both support and challenge. A child should feel deeply loved while also being pushed toward greater maturity, responsibility, resilience, and self-sufficiency. Support without challenge can lead to dependence and stagnation. Challenge without support leads to insecurity and disconnection.

The difficulty is that these distinctions are often hard to see while living through them. In the midst of parenting, normal developmental struggles can easily feel pathological or catastrophic. One of the most useful things my work has taught me is that there is a much wider range of normal adolescent behavior than most parents realize. Many of the conflicts that families experience are not signs that something has gone terribly wrong. They are simply part of the messy and often uncomfortable process of growing up.

When facing difficult parenting decisions, it can be helpful to step back and ask a simple question: “Am I helping my child become more independent, or more dependent?”

That does not mean abandoning children to fend for themselves. Nor does it mean protecting them from every frustration, disappointment, or risk. The goal is to remain deeply supportive while interfering only as much as truly necessary, and continually encouraging growth toward independence.

There is no perfect formula for this. Parenting is too complicated for that. But clarity about the goal helps orient the process.